while old this is a photo of us

ah, beautiful changes are occuring all around me in a train of slow blowing wind
warm and soft the sun is replaceing the snow, flowers are finding their peak and engulfing the earth one inch at a time.
the time in each day is endless and perfect.  slumbering later and later into the night, stretching each hour with exchanged words and glances of being in love.
skin is breaking free, souls are sprouting, hibernation wrapping up and stretching in the flow of streams of heat. 
carcasses filling with forgotten life and reaching into the clouds and cupping heaven with their roots.
life breathing all around us and a slow silent sigh of relief that procreation may resume.
starting anew, a new memory holding hands with every second that passes. 
freshness, an airtight part of me being peeled open and the crisp clear sound escaping, echoing and reflecting off walls and chests heaving in responce to the release. 

it's been a wonderful couple of weeks, exhausting but perfect.  we've been engaged for about 3 weeks and we will be celebrating our 8 month anniversary here shortly.  our love is amazing.  it's changed me so much, the love and passion of my new family has molded my horizon.  i have not only gained a fiance and 2 sons, but 3 best friends.  the devotion that i have for the three of them will run with my blood through my veins until the day that i die...i will forever be thankful for what i have found in them. 
so, work is going great this week...well, as good as to be expected.  the family and i went to the maple festival yesterday...we thought twice about it, forcast called for snow, but we went and had a great time, love and i slow danced and sunshine fell all around us.  story of our life together.

today is our 7 month anniversary.  wow. to sit back and recap the past 7 months and to realize what all has changed is amazing.  i have to be the luckiest person in the world to be living, in love and sharing this life with the woman of my dreams and two beautiful children.  i have a family. 
my wonderful  woman just told me last night that next weekend is when she is asking me to marry her.  a million thougts and feelings rush through me.  i'm going to be a step-mom.   i'm going to be a wife.  what if i'm not good enough at either?  my last marriage failed.  well, didn't like that girl much and knew it was a mistake from  the word go, but this...this is the real thing.  my soul-mate.  my best friend.  i have everything when i look at her, she is offering me a family, a life with her and it's a little scary. in a wonderful way mind you. i'm just scared to fail.  ever since she told me when she was proposing to me, i've had this song in my head.  creed seems to say it very well.

indigo girls said it perfectly...after tonight you don't necessarily doubt yourself or who you love you just doubt the world around you and how they may view you.  it's  easy to say that you wouldn't care in the case that somebody "hated" who you were, but it demonstrates that we don't completely have all the power and respect as human beings that we want.  i've lived a very monsterous childhood due to the fact that i was gay and i've learned to deal with it and defend myself by all means necessary.  but i wouldn't say that it doesn't strike somewhere in my soul, each time i get stabbed by words.  i'm not one to cry about it, i'm a fighter and a defender and tonight...my girl and i were verbally leading to physically assaulted...i protected her.  it took every thing i had to not unleash the marine.  it was an eye opening experience for her.  that sometimes no matter how proud we are of being strong lesbian women...there will always be people who hate us for it, loathe us and want us dead.  that unfortunatly we don't yet live in a completely zen world of peace and love.  that wearing a lesbian t-shirt can get us killed.  that means, for each lesbian that marches around proudly announcing that they are gay and coming across a gay basher, or possibly a killer that that is one less strong gay lesbian in the world.  i use to believe in flaunting who i was out of pure pride...now, after many years of fighting to not get killed or physically harmed, that flaunting is not necessary.  that lying down in bed with my lady each night, sharing a candle lit dinner with her each night and cuddling on the couch with her and our boys each night is far more fulfilling to me than displaying my sexual orientation to a world of hate and bating them.  would i deny that i am gay?  never.  would i deny that she is my girlfriend...if it meant her being killed for it...yes.  if it meant me being killed for it...not a chance in hell.  the fact that i have the opportunity to meet other gay people a lot easier than in the past and not hiding who i am and who i love is the most amazing feeling in the world.  but i refuse to wear a kick me sign.  i am an extremely proud lesbian and i am extremely proud of every lesbian, gay, transgendered, transsexual person out there, i just fear for us.  we are all deer and it's always hunting season.  yeah, there are a lot of people out there that will love and support us as we are, but there will always be those with rifles as well.  i choose life.  i choose to live each day so i can come home to my wife and children and not put them in danger because i paint myself with rainbow paint each day.  i don't want to shove anything in anybody's face, unless they ask.  i am a butch lesbian, tall, strong, shaved head, very masculine and it's no doubt when you look at me that i'm either a boy or a lesbian.  but the people that want to know my sexual orientation if they are unclear, ask.  i'm not about to scream it at the top of my lungs and force it upon people out of respect.  if a straight person went around screaming that they were straight we would all find it abit weird.  love...love is all we need to scream.  love of people, love of everybody, love of the world despite and inspite of their flaws.  i know where my pride lies...in between my lady's legs. 

I thought the time was passed when I could find beauty in the birds (gay marriages)
I set the stage and the scenery rehearsing every word (vows)
But when I tried to make it more it was always less(the more we rant, the more hatred we cause)
And it's a thin line between pleasing yourself and pleasing somebody else(there will always be someone that hates us)
With my confidence on fire i set to fixin' up my roles(i feel stronger about expressing who i am)
My separation of desires  just left me deeper down in the hole(expression created hate)
When I tried to make it more it was always less (we push being "dykes" , we get bashed, we express love, we get equality)
And there's a thin line between pleasing yourself and pleasing somebody else
And when I tried to make it more it was always less
It's a thin line between pleasing yourself and pleasing somebody else
now I'm trying to get back to what I know that I should be(a strong proud lesbian, depite hatred)
Hoping to God that It was just a temporary absentee(hoping that the harshness was just a tep. slip of the tongue on their part)
when I tried to make it more it was always less
And it's a thin line between pleasing yourself and pleasing somebody else
When I tried to make it more it was always less (I'd try to make it more it was less)
And it's a thin line between pleasing yourself and pleasing somebody else
 

i'm feeling a little bit back to normal today.  still taking it easy.  body is still in pain and in the process of slowly recooping.  yeah, i'm butch, but i have a soft side that sneaks out when i'm sick.  so, i'm couch ridden today, me and the dog.  not sure how long that will last.  it's the first day i've been home alone in such a long time.  there's so much i want to do.  clean, landscape, write, draw, paint, read, rearrange...girlfriend would kill me if she came home and knew i was up running around.  she gave liam and i specific intructions...to lay on the couch and watch tv.  hmpf.  well, before i get my ass caught, i better scram.  ya never know she might be trying to call here and check up on me. lol.  will definately write again later...

i was awaken last night by her fingertips and mouth pouring over me like warm thick pudding.  her breath in my ear slowly sang consciencness into my soul and drew my wings out from under me and sucked her to my body.  i captured her in my dreams and she crowned life to it.  she is real.  encircling between dream and reality, flesh upon flesh, tongues and cum floating around, light and dark humming quietly as our backdrop.  we are one.  one infinate being.  our love drapes over us, tumbling from the sky like that of a long silk curtain, gullowing and spreading like a deep peaceful river.  she splashes upon me, her womanness, long, strong powerful flow of energy and light, melting together to form such a wonderous cascade.  i close my eyes and throw back my head and see a hand scraping the sky, clearing the clouds and the blackness, revealing an open field, colorful wonder.  she takes me there and keeps me high.  we ride the sky together and fall to our bed, this is an incredible journey.  i love you love.
okay, so you are sitting next to me, naked and in my recliner with a vibrator going to town.  i gotta go...